


My Secrets Are Burning A Hole Through My Heart

by softboyme



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Age Play, Daddy Ashton, Daddy Kink, Daddy Michael, Dom Ashton, Dom Michael, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Happy Ending, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Sexual Age Play, Sub Calum, Sub Luke, and i still don't know how to tag, sort of it's implied, this is probably really bad but i've worked hard on it so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 20:03:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5715349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softboyme/pseuds/softboyme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a week and a half since Calum's breakdown. He's stayed in his room most of the time, only coming out to join a couple of interviews and a photoshoot for some teen magazine. Someone, Luke, has brought a bit of food up to his door a few times, but he never ate any of it. Instead he would order something online, usually pizza, and have it delivered after the others had gone to bed. That way he could go downstairs  and get enough soda and beer to last him until the next night. He'd sit outside on the doorstep, waiting for the delivery guy as he drank. And although he knew that it wasn't healthy he couldn't help but keep doing it. He didn't want to face anyone. It's not like they cared anyway, if they did  they would have tried to talk to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Secrets Are Burning A Hole Through My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> title from sleepwalking by bring me the horizon

"Luke baby? I need you to do this one thing for me. Can you manage that?" Calum looked at the slightly younger boy with begging eyes. He needed him to understand. It was really important and Calum had no idea how to get that through to him. He of course knew about Luke and Luke's needs, but someone should take care of him too dammit! Calum had needs as well, but no one seemed to notice, or maybe they just didn't care because Luke was more important than him. Luke was always the main priority. The crew always acted nicer towards him (and the other two because they could be quite frightening if they saw them as any kind of threat towards the blond boy). The other two also treated him better. They'd constantly make sure he had everything he needed and if he acted inappropriate they would let him know in a stern, but loving, way. They gave him warm bubble baths with fluffy towels and lots of cuddles afterwards. He'd always get the last slice of pizza, and they'd constantly give him sweets! If they found that the blond had been a 'good boy' he'd get a lollipop, ice cream or something equally as sweet. He never had to worry about _anything_ and Calum had had enough.

 

"I don't understand" came Luke's reply, which only fueled the maori boy's frustration. "You want me to ..to _stop_ being me?" He sounded so confused and he was looking at Calum with that same look he always had, that made Michael and Ashton rush to his side. He looked like a lost puppy almost and Calum would have felt sorry for him, he swears he would've dropped it if this wasn't such an important thing. But it was, it was important and Luke had to stop being selfish. The blond couldn't have everything. He had the nicest room, bed or bunk, depending or where they'd stay. He got all the attention unless Calum had done something bad, something he really shouldn't have, but he did it anyway because he wanted some attention as well or sometimes it wasn't even his fault but they'd still get mad at him. Like when his nudes leaked everyone they worked with would send judgmental glares his way and make short, sharp comments. He'd been told repeatedly how stupid he was etc. etc.. And this all hurt, of course he didn't mean for it to happen! But what hurt the most was how his so called best friends didn't even care. They gave him a couple of rude looks and that was it. 

 

"No." "No?" He sighed deeply, not sure how to explain it without actually saying what he wanted directly. That wouldn't end well. "No, I just want you to ..tone it down a little? Yeah, that's it. If you could just be _normal_ Luke a bit more you know?" There was a pause then and Calum thought he might die due to the tension that was evident in the air. He didn't want Luke to stop being himself. He knew how much that would hurt the boy because that was exactly what he was doing, had been doing for _months_ now. But he also knew that if he wanted the oldest two to realize what he wanted Luke would have to tone it down. Lately the dark skinned boy had been lashing out more, he'd pick fights whenever he could, though he was careful to keep it out of the media. He started acting up in hopes that maybe they would notice how something was wrong and worry about him too. Even for just a minute, he'd take anything at this point. It worked for a while, Ashton would pull him to the side and ask him why he was acting like that and then tell him to get his _"fucking act together and stop being so childish"_.That's when he started making hits at Luke, not physically of course, just little comments thrown his way. "Why?" he looked at the blond again, unsure of how to respond. "Because it's annoying, and quite frankly it's starting to get a bit old." He felt disgusted with himself. How could he say something like that? Especially to Luke, his best friend since forever. Besides he was no better himself, he wanted the exact same, only difference is that Luke got what he wanted. Which, yes that's how he could say it. He needed to stay focused. Luke stole everything from Calum. He stole all of the friends he had made, the only people Calum actually talked to anymore except for work stuff was his family. Although it was mostly just a couple of 30 minute phone calls a week. The rest of the time he kept to himself, writing songs, listening to music and practicing his guitar skills. But then Luke said to stop playing because no one wanted to hear his awful playing, everyone laughed except for Calum, he snapped back quickly only to be scolded by their band mates. It was a joke, but to him it hurt. Which was another thing Luke had stolen from him, his band mates. They were supposed to be his best friends, always there for him. "Oh. Well then I guess I'll stop?" Calum nodded, not looking up. It wouldn't hurt him to take it down a notch, only for a short period of time. He stole the one person Calum held closest, who meant the most to him. He and Michael had known each other forever. Hell Michael didn't even like Luke in the beginning. "Okay" "Thanks for letting me know..." "Yeah, no problem"

 

They stood quietly before Luke left, closing the door to master bedroom behind him. The raven haired boy breathed in deeply, leaning his head back trying to blink away the tears forming as he exhaled. His breath was unsteady and his hands were starting to shake. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" He muttered to himself as he walked down the stairs, the last couple of words turning into a scream instead, but he didn't notice. He was crying now, tugging at his hair desperately gasping for air. It was too much. Everything from the last few months was starting to catch up with him and he can't take it. He made it past the kitchen and into the hallway where he ended up on the floor, leaning against the wall. He repeats the words, like a mantra, only interrupted by his lack of air and a few "I didn't mean to" "Please just make it stop" "I promise I'll do better". He didn't hear the someone getting closer, not noticing when Luke stood in the doorway. "C-Calum?" No reply, the dark skinned boy didn't even acknowledge him. "ASHTON!! MICHAEL GET DOWN HERE" The singer was yelling, obviously scared, worried about his band mate. "HURRY! IT'S CALUM HE- HE" Luke didnt't know how to end the sentence, but knew he made a mistake by putting it like that. He could hear Ashton yelling back to ask what the maori had done know, followed by two pair of feet, approaching the hallway. Soon enough the whole band's gathered in the hallway. The newly arrived starts telling Calum off before realizing what's going on. Minutes pass without anyone saying anything, except for Calum's repeated words.

 

Eventually Michael takes a step forward, crouching down so that he can see Calum's face properly. "Calum what's wrong?" The boy glances at him, his body jerks, and he shakes his head rapidly from side to side. The action looks like it might hurt the poor boy's neck quite a bit, but he doesn't show any sign of stopping. "Hey, it's alright bud.. it's okay. Just take a deep breath and focus on me, yeah?" The green haired boy keeps his voice soft and calm, Calum recognizes it as the one he thought was reserved for Luke. He lets out another choked sob, clawing at his skin. "No! No no no no, I can't- it doesn't" he pauses, there's no words to explain it. He tried in the beginning, he really did but no one listened and now it's been so long and he's never actually talked about it. Now that the moment is here he has no idea how to explain. "Make it stop" he looks up at them, meet all of their eyes for the first time in three days. It's been four days since they had a conversation. "Make it stop. PLEASE j-just make it stop" he can feel more tears gather in his eyes and the other three can feel their hearts breaking. "Make what stop? Calum, you need to tell me otherwise I can't help you."  Michael doesn't even get to finish his sentence before Calum's fists collide with the floor and then go back up to continue clawing at his skin. His whole body is shaking and he's almost certain that he's not breathing nor touching the floor anymore. He feels lightheaded and like he's floating, just above the ground. He can't control his body which scares him. It feels as if he's standing in the middle of the highway, cars passing by too fast for him to see anything but a blur and he's moving in slow motion. "No. Nonono you have to make it stop. _It hurts so bad!_ You don't get it" "Shh, calm down. I get it, I really do but you need to calm down mate." Now Ashton is moving closer as well. "No, you don't get it! You don'tpleasemake ..make it stop. It hurts." Ashton is standing right in front of him now. "Calum, we get it. Something happened and now it hurts, but there's nothing we can do. At least not if you refuse to tell us about it."

 

"Shut up." It's quiet, but they all heard it. The cries have stopped, replaced by slight sniffling once in a while. "What did you say?" It was a known fact that Ashton didn't accept being talked back to, not like that. "I said shut up." Calum says, clenching his jaw and getting up off the floor. They're staring each other down, but Calum wins. "You have no idea what's going on. You don't _get_ anything Ashton. None of you do, so just shut up and leave me the fuck alone." He spits the curly haired lad's name out as if it's filled with venom. He casts a quick glance over to Michael, shaking his head before retreating back upstairs, to his room. **\--**  


 

It's been a week and a half since Calum's breakdown. He's stayed in his room most of the time, only coming out to join a couple of interviews and a photoshoot for some teen magazine. Someone, _Luke_ , has brought a bit of food up to his door a few times, but he never ate any of it. Instead he would order something online, usually pizza, and have it delivered after the others had gone to bed. That way he could go downstairs  and get enough soda and beer to last him until the next night. He'd sit outside on the doorstep, waiting for the delivery guy as he drank. And although he knew that it wasn't healthy he couldn't help but keep doing it. He didn't want to face anyone. It's not like they cared anyway, if they did  they would have tried to talk to him.

 

This also means that Calum's not aware of what's going on with the others. He doesn't know that Luke in fact _did_ start acting more like his older self, the him that the fans knew. He forced himself not to go into headspace, but even though the maori boy didn't notice someone else did. Ashton and Michael felt conflicted. Something was obviously bothering Calum, but he apparently didn't want their help. Something was also going on with their blond princess, Luke. They of course noticed the lack of his little persona which worried them a lot more than Calum's tantrum. They tried coaxing him back into it, sometimes treating him as if he was a little kid in hopes that it would make him act like himself again, but he always managed to resist. 

 

Three weeks after the breakdown, Ashton and Michael were the only ones still awake. They were both sat watching a random movie on tv when the topic was brought up. They mentioned Calum, questioning what had happened to cause all this when everything was fine. They could see no reason as to why he would act up like this. They quickly moved to discuss Luke and _his_  sudden change. They were both so very worried about him. They didn't know why he would just stop, they even tried googling it, but came up empty. He obviously missed it, hell even they missed it, it was clear to everyone with how he acted. He lingered a bit longer whenever touching them and cuddled up into a blanket by himself more often than not. He just seemed sad in general. 

 

Then, the next morning someone rang the doorbell. Three of four were awake and eating breakfast, Luke, Michael and Ashton. None of them expected company from anyone else, so curiously they all went to check who could be at the door at 9am. When Michael opened the door they were all shocked to see a hot, probably in his mid twenties, man standing there. Dark brown hair, what looked like a week or so old beard, dark chocolate eyes, around their height, maybe a inch or two shorter. None of them said a thing, just staring at him. Michael felt as if he recognized him from somewhere he just couldn't place it. Then, as if he could sense the new guy being there, which probably had a more logical explanation like texting, Calum was pushing through them all. "Excuse me.. hi Lucas!" The attractive man grinned at him, pulling him in for a tight hug. "Hey babe, we going out or staying in this time?" Calum glanced back at his bandmates, quickly making up his mind. "Out. C'mon I'm starving!" He laughs, pulling the man with him towards the car he came in. 

 

**\--**

 

Normally this wouldn't have bothered them. They probably wouldn't even remember it after five minutes, but now it was all they could think about. Why did Calum seem fine? He'd been hiding in his room for weeks and all of a sudden he seems just fine! And who was that guy? They had never seen him and Calum together before. "YES!!" Michael's leaping off the couch, excitedly throwing his fist in the air. "What?" Ashton doesn't sound pleased at all. "I know who he is! The guy, Lucas, you know the hot one with Calum?!" Now that peeked the blond's interest. "Yeah, who?" The green haired boy held up a finger, a sign for them to wait, as he typed something on his phone before handing it over to them. "Lucas Bernardini?" Ashton looked up with a questioning look "Who the fuck is that?" Michael sighed, sitting back down on the couch. "It's a model, duh!" Then Luke, the youngest of them all decided to speak up. Now that he had the name he could remember chatting with Calum one time, about hot men and him mentioning this Bernardini guy. "Yeah, Calum really likes him" both of them turned towards him, causing him to squirm slightly under their stares. "Yeah?" "Go on then, sweetheart, tells us about how much Calum likes him." Luke visibly swallows, seemingly unable to sit still now that all of their attention was directed towards him. "Uh, uhm.. we talked once, about hot guys" he paused, taking a few deep breaths. "I- I  just remember him mentioning him, and how he'd get on his knees in no time if he ever asked..." He stopped there, there wasn't much more to say really. The words was left hanging in the air, taunting. 

 

"Wait, so Calum's submissive? Since when?" Ashton was the first to break the silence. Luke shrugged his shoulders, never having thought much of it. There was a door slamming shut, but no one noticed. That was until Calum and his newly made friend came through the door. Calum was laughing as if he had no worries, wrapped in Lucas' arms who was grinning at him. The three, seated, boys all stopped talking abruptly to observe the scene in front of them. The older man kept placing little pecks all over the maori boy's face, causing his laughter to increase. "S-stop!" "Noo! You're so cute when you laugh though, kitten" Kitten. The word hits the three boys _hard_. He had called Calum _kitten_ and Calum in return had blushed, letting himself be pulled in for another hug. The model chuckled, sitting down on the couch opposite them and placing Calum on his lap. The dark skinned boy snuggling into him more, letting out a content hum before settling. Michael, Ashton and Luke continued to stare, gobsmacked at what they had just witnessed. Because what the fuck was that? That was not something that had ever happened before, at least none of them thought it had, but by the way the couple acted with each other it seemed as if they'd been together for years. 

 

Then the guy decided to address them, which was totally uncalled for, but they were nice people so they pretended to be friendly. "Hey guys, nice to meet you! I'm Lucas, Lucas Bernardini." He reached out a hand which Michael took, shaking it firmly in an attempt to show some dominance. This was his and Ashton's territory, it was _their_ _boys_ and no model would be able to just walk in and take one of them right in front of their eyes. It simply wasn't acceptable. "I'm Ashton Irwin, nice to meet you."  A few seconds of silence passed before he spoke again. "That's Luke Hemmings and he's Michael Clifford." Lucas smiled at them all, absentmindedly stroking Calum's back. "Hey, we're sort of name brothers!" He tries, but no one laughs. Luke gives him a shy smile, feeling conflicted. He wants to talk to the guy, he hasn't done anything wrong but he can tell that Ashton and Michael would be angry with him if he did. 

 

"So... how's the whole band thing? I went to one of your shows in Switzerland last year, you were great!" Luke noticed Ashton fighting to keep the smile off his face but he'd always been a sucker for the fans and apparently this guy was part of that category. Ashton hated everything at this moment. Michael kept busy by studying Calum. It looks like he's sleeping but he never falls asleep this fast, ever. Needless to say the three australians felt confused, conflicted and kind of offended while Calum felt content and relaxed for the first time in a very long time. The conversation that Lucas had successfully started with the two oldest band members were interrupted by a whiny Calum, pleading for pizza and some whiskey. "What?" he turned to look at his band mates "The fuck Calum? I think you've had enough already judging by the state you were in when you two came back." This earned the curly haired aussie an offended sound and a pissed off Calum. "What the hell I've been sober all night?!" "Yeah? Sure didn't seem like it when you tried seducing some random model right in front of us."

 

Ashton's not yelling which in turn makes Calum even angrier. How and why would he say something like that? He's not yelling so obviously he's not angry, meaning that he's not just saying it just to say it. He's being serious right now. "You know what, fuck you! If it was Luke and Michael you'd be all for it, joining them even! But since it's _me_ and not your precious little princess Lukey you all of a sudden find it gross or unnecessary? I'm not drunk Ashton, I wish I were but I'm not. This is the first time in over a month I haven't been drunk in over 24 hours. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to order a pizza and find whatever alcohol I can get my hands on without leaving the house" He gets up, sending a sad smile to Lucas before placing a quick peck on his cheek. "You should probably leave... sorry about this, I had a great time today though thank you." Then he disappears into the kitchen. 

 

There's a dangerous -like atmosphere in the room, the tension is thick and no one's in a good mood. "You know" the three aussies look at the man, not at all in the mood to hear whatever he's got to say. "You should treat him better. He don't deserve this." Now that was the final straw. "What the fuck are you on about?!" The words are being spat at him. "I don't mean to offend anyone! I'm just saying that Calum's got some special needs, and instead of listening and helping, caring for him even, you've all been angry with him and ignored him." He pauses, ready to be kicked out, but receives an encouraging nod from Luke. "I know it's not my place, but apparently he gets into headspace yeah?" He's talking about Luke now, causing the blond to blush feverishly. "Yeah, what about it?" The brunette wets his dry lips, taking a deep breath before exhaling slowly. "Well, Calum wants that too. Now, before you cut me off just hear me out, okay? Good. First of all, you haven't been showing him any support at all. I mean, his nudes leaked and you don't even care? That's cold man. He honestly  think he's got no one except for his closest family. You're supposed to be his best friends, but you've been so caught up on Luke here that you've completely ignored him. He's told me about all the different ways he's tried to get your attention without success." 

 

Unbeknownst to the others Calum is standing by the kitchen door, listening to everything that's being said. It's evident on all their faces that they feel sorry, realizing that it's the truth. "Okay, but why didn't he just tell any of us?" Michael sounds so sad, his voice breaks mid sentence and the Calum can't take it. "Don't you think I tried?" All heads turn to him, no one says anything and then Lucas excuses himself, leaving them to be alone. "Do you seriously think I didn't try talking to you? Michael I tried so so many times, but I never got the chance because you were too busy with Luke." He can see the younger shrinking in on himself, feeling guilty. He also sees Ashton wrap an arm around him and Michael grabbing his hand in a reassuring matter and it's all too much for him. He cries out in frustration, tugging violently at his own hair before looking at them. His eyes are desperate and sad. "Calum, that's not true.." Ashton's voice is nothing but a whisper in the tense room. "YEs it is! It is true and you're still doing it! You keep comforting him and treating him like he's your only purpose in life. He's obviously the most important person you've got, and I get that you don't feel the same for me, I do. You don't have to treat me like that just because I too want that, but you could at least treat me like your friend!?" He's crying and everything sucks. Life sucks.

 

The dark boy shuts his eyes, wrapping his arms around himself. He's a sobbing mess now but none of that matters anymore. He's done with it all. "I- I'm s-s-sorry, I really am!" Then there's another pair of arms wrapping around him and pulling him into the person's chest. He eventually moves his own arms to around their waist, clutching the back of their shirt desperately, afraid that they're gonna disappear any second. "I'm so sorry, I promise I'll do better." And fuck now they're all crying, recognizing his words from that day in the hallway. "Shhh, it's okay baby. You're okay, you don't have to apologize. Baby you're doing great." Michael's soft and calming voice comes from beside him and he can feel his chest vibrating as he tries to stop crying, meaning that the green haired boy is the one holding him. 

 

**\--**

 

After hours of crying and apologizing they're all sat on the living room floor, staring at each other. "M-Michael?" And Calum's voice sounds so fragile none of the others know what to do, they just want to help him. "Mm yes, baby?" The boy is staring intensely at his fingers, not able to keep from blushing, although it's still not his preferred nickname, but it's a start. It's a start and that's all Calum ever asked for, it's all he wanted and now he got it. "m'sleepy" he mumbles, yawning as if to prove his point. He can hear the other two cooing at how cute he is, but he's too tired to complain. He settles for giving them the middle finger, shocked when Ashton sends him a disapproving but loving look. "Tsk tsk, none of that baby. That's not nice is it?" And Calum's sure that he went unconscious a few seconds because all of a sudden the well built boy is right in front of him with a light grip on Calum's jaw, preventing him from looking away. Calum's in heaven, he never thought he'd get to this point. "Answer me." He blinks a couple of times, focusing on Ashton. "I-I'm sorry, I d-didn't mean it... daddy" The last word is nothing but a mere whisper, he's nervous and not sure if it's okay.

 

What if he had misunderstood? What if that's not what he meant? "Good boy" there's soft lips right on the corner of his mouth, gone again before he had the chance to register them and then Ashton's back by Luke's side again. He must look as shocked as he feels because Luke giggles and the other two chuckle lowly, before Michael mouths something to Ashton and then their all getting up. The two blonds head towards the staircase and Calum feels another wave of panic wash over him, scared that this was it. Now they would go to their shared room and he'd go to his and when he wakes up tomorrow everything will be back to normal. But he barely even got off the floor before Michael pulled him into another hug. "I'm really sorry Calum, I never meant to be such a bad best friend." "I know, it's okay." They stand like that a few more minutes then Michael places a soft kiss on top of Calum's head whispering the word 'jump'. He does and soon enough he's being carried upstairs and into the master bedroom where the other two are already in bed, Luke already asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

 

Michael places him beside the young blond before getting in behind him, letting Ashton tuck them all in. Placing another soft kiss at the nape of Calum's neck he breathes out slowly, causing the boy to feel shivers running down his back. "Love you baby" Calum smiles the biggest he can, which probably isn't that big considering how exhausted he is, but he still feels like he's never smiled bigger. "Love you too daddy, both of you." He looks at Ashton and closes his eyes, drifting off as the curly haired boy replies with a warm "Love you pup." The dominants then lean over their boys to share a kiss before getting ready to fall asleep as well. 

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea if this is good or not, but I've been working on it for too long now so I'l just post it. This writing style is still new to me so there may be a few mistakes, feel free to tell me as long as you're nice about it. I'd love to improve my grammar and stuff :-)


End file.
